When it comes to the differences between men and women, it seems awfully easy to assume those differences are simply sex-related and leave it at that. I've certainly fallen into the mindset myself as an adolescent and adult that all men are one way and all women are another, and that nothing can be done to change that reality. As I've gotten older, however, I've become a lot more aware of how a person's upbringing can really influence the man or woman s/he will become.
Having two sons has naturally made me even more thoughtful about this whole issue and concerned about what kind of adults they will become as a result of how we raise them. During my pregnancy I was surprised by how early the barrage of male stereotyping started to come at me from friends and family: that boys are rough and tumble, strong and brave, little men in the making. But the more I thought about it, the more I found myself disagreeing with the premise that all of these qualities are inherent in the male sex. My baby boys were just as sweet and cuddly as any baby girl I had ever held, and my toddler boys are no wilder than most of the little girls we know.
Yet I feel like many friends and family members are intent on picking out their individual personality traits and ascribing them to the boys being boys, when all I see is completely normal, energetic, curiosity-driven toddler behavior. What makes me even more crazy is that most of M's family members seem to assume that it's just normal boy behavior for them to be rude, rough, inconsiderate, and even violent. M's cousin has raised her five year old son with that philosophy, and I dread ever letting Max and Nathan anywhere near him as a result. The few times I couldn't avoid it (like Christmas and family birthdays) I did notice that the boys were a little wilder and crazier for a few days afterwords, and I really think it was because they were modeling the bad behavior they witnessed their cousin exhibit a few days earlier. Thankfully, M disagrees with his family's stance on this stuff and we are on the same page about encouraging the boys to be kind, considerate, and non-violent.
All of these thoughts sort of came into focus for me a few days ago when I took Max and Nathan to one of those indoor play places that have become so ubiquitous in our city these days. While I was there I ran into a friend and his son, who is only a few a few weeks younger than the boys, and we let all three of them play while we chatted together. The kids had a blast running around for much of the morning, until another Mom came to find me with a crying Max in tow. She vaguely advised me that another kid had been kicking him on one of the play structures and left it at that. A few minutes later I heard Nathan crying and ran over to find a little girl in a fairy princess costume kicking the crap out of him. I scooped him up and scolded the girl for hurting him and then went back to find Max so we could all leave. When I turned my back momentarily she started going after Max again, and as I was putting the boys in their stroller she took the opportunity to go after my friend's little boy. I have no idea where her caregiver was while all of this mayhem was going on, but I had to wonder if her parents have turned a blind eye to her aggressive behavior because it doesn't fit into their notions of who their little fairy princess is. Sugar and spice and everything nice, she certainly was not.
Hey Lola, welcome back! I'm so glad to see you around and posting again. Your boys are gorgeous -- but you knew that already. :-)
Posted by: Heather | May 14, 2007 at 11:01 PM