Never As Good As The First Time

The clinic was chaotic and disorganized in a way I've never seen before when I went in for the transfer yesterday.  The wait was long, the nurses were scurrying around busily and even cool, calm, and collected Dr. Hot Shot seemed a little harried when he stopped by my cube to tell me he was running about 45 minutes late.  I kept trying to chug water for the ultrasound and then kept having to run to the bathroom because I had to pee, but at least it gave me something to do during all that waiting. 

By the time the embryologist showed up, I was already late for the accupuncture appointment I had scheduled for 2 hours after the transfer.  Things really started to go down hill as soon as she started to give us the scoop on our embryos, and it became very clear that last cycle's bumper crop of high quality embryos was apparently beginners luck.  Of the 13 that had fertilized this cycle, only 6 remained.  1 of those 6 was severely fragmented and therefore could not be transferred, and the two best were only B students (graded " BB" by the embryologist) compared to last cycle's A students.  The three remaining were lagging behind, and one had not yet even reached the blastocyst stage.

I was disappointed, to say the least.  I know I should be grateful to have that many (no really, I do), but I couldn't help feeling upset that my embryo quality had taken such a dive from last time.  We agreed finally to put back the two best and one of the early blasts we also had, for a grand total of 3 embryos.  When the embryologist brought up the possibility that we could end up with a triplet pregnancy as a result, I told her I didn't think it was likely and that we would cross that bridge if we came to it.  The transfer was a lot more uncomfortable than last time, probably because my girly parts are still sore from the OHSS.  I could tell that Dr. Hot Shot was a little humbled by this turn of events, and I have to admit that I was happy to see it.  After I got back to my cube I threw on my clothes and we dashed off to the acupuncturist.

I've been trying really hard to feel optimistic that I'll still end up pregnant from this cycle.  But I can't help feeling like it's doomed and hopeless.  I'm annoyed at myself for not following my gut instinct that the change in my protocol was a bad idea, and I suspect that it may very well have resulted in my embryos being of lower quality than last time.  I'm also annoyed with Dr. Hot Shot for brushing off my concerns about it, and that it seems like he never listens to anything I say to him.  If this cycle turns into the bust I suspect it will, I've already convinced M that we need a second opinion and probably a new RE.

So that's my rant.  I'm sorry I can't be more positive about all of this, I just don't have it in me right now.  I just feel so disheartened, and I can't shake the feeling that all the positive vibes, clean living, and visualization in the world isn't going to save this cycle.  I'm hoping that I'll start feeling more optimistic in a day or two, and I'm still trying to hold on to a shred of hope.

Comments

[Emily]

I'm still holding out hope with you. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

xxxooo

[Heather]

Lola, please do your very best to keep the faith. Every time I read a blog where someone is upset because they don't have a large number of "perfect" embryos to transfer, I feel compelled to jump in and offer my own story which I *hope* will make her feel better. So here goes. I had a day 3 transfer. Even then, I only had four embryos. Two were seven celled, one was four celled, and one was only three celled. We transferred the two 7s and the 4; the 3 did not make it to freeze. All of the embryous were "good, not great" (Oz's own words!) which the embryologist said meant they each had approximately 20% fragmentation. Not fantastic, right? But here I sit, two months later, with apparently perfectly healthy twins on the way. I know it doesn't work this way for everyone, but my point is merely that it CAN.

I'm rooting for you!

[ankaisa]

Now let's hope at least one of them decides to stay. And won't make your hyperstim any worse.